People often tell me that I am brave. Mainly because I swim in the sea year round but sometimes because I ‘manage my life’ in spite of my mental illness. And I used to be unable to accept the compliment because I felt a bit of a fraud. And that’s because, I assumed, if you were brave or courageous, it was because you were fearless. You had no fear. But I have so much fear. I am literally afraid of everything. But I am also able to face my fears.
I have recently discovered the joy of Jo Moseley’s instagram account and tuned into The Joy of SUP – The Paddle-boarding Sunshine Podcast. Jo took up paddle-boarding in 2016 after injuring her knee and since then had become the first woman to paddle coast to coast across Northern England at the young age of 54. Her adventure was captured as a film called Brave Enough- A Journey home to Joy. What I love about Jo is her absolute faith that we are all braver than we think and we have the ability to make a difference and find joy in that journey. And her story made me release that the thing I am most afraid of has already happened. I have always been terrified that people will see through the façade of me and be privy to the internal conversations of doubt and distress. But the disguise well and truly failed over a decade ago. It had already happened.
In a former life I was a successful Project Manager, working for a large corporation. I was well paid for the long hours and arduous targets I achieved. In the last couple of years of working there, I was responsible for finding and saving the company tens of millions of dollars. But, like everything in life, they still wanted more. I’d been managing all of this with a young family, a husband who worked away a lot, post natal depression and a head injury. One day I woke up and knew I couldn’t go to work. Not just that day. But never again. My body and mind responded to this drop in disguise by shutting down. For weeks I was unable to do anything but sleep and a short walk, if I managed to leave the house, would leave me wiped out. The full terror of my depression was obvious for all to see. So in my case, the thing that I fear the most, has already happened. The real me has been revealed. And although it is an extreme example, it is true for all of us. Our biggest fears are normally our own internal dialogue that has already taken place, a throw away comment from a friend from years ago that you carry with you, or years of conditioning created by your upbringing. Being brave is overcoming these fears and as Jo has reminded me in recent weeks, this brings joy.
After a while, I’m not sure how long, probably months, although the worst had happened I still had fear. And it was getting in the way of me living. So I took some small steps back into the world. I began to get involved in my children’s school and helped with the swimming lessons and reading in the classroom. My journey to wellness had begun by being brave. Every step of my journey gave me a sense of achievement. It was gradual and very personal to me. I built up slowly, nudging past my comfort zone each time.
Over the next ten years I continued to accomplish and achieve in my own arena. It didn’t look anything like my old life of long hours and arbitrary goals. Fear of failure remained but I accepted that I couldn’t be brave without fear. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in her brilliant book; Big Magic “Trust me, your fear will always show up, especially when you’re trying to be inventive or innovative.” But she goes on to say; “It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes, too.”.
I began to volunteer with the local Surf Lifesaving Club that my children joined. Initially doing all of the administration but eventually achieving lifesaving and trainer awards that allowed me to teach in the water. After a few years I began to run day long sessions for local schools in the summer term and actually get paid! My new office had the same view as my old one, the sea, but the job could not have been more different. After noticing some of the pupils really thrived during their day out of the classroom and being by the sea I set up the Brighton location for the Wave Project. A charity that aims to improve young people wellbeing and self esteem through surfing. There is nothing more brave than putting on a wetsuit with your fellow UK coordinators that are 25 years your junior. But I did it regularly travelling to the west country to participate in training and updates. And now I am a Seabird co-running my own Community Interest Company and gaining my Open Water Swimming Coaching award. I’ve even agreed to swim the bloody channel. The woman that walked (well pretty much was carried) out of her corporate job is almost unrecognisable as she slowly removed the layers of disguise. Plus my hair and skin have deteriorated from being in the sea in all of the elements and no longer being able to afford an expensive skin care regime.
None of this happened over night. It took a decade. Not everything I tried worked out. I’ve had some set backs both professionally and once again mentally, the two being intrinsically linked. In fact I only feel settled now I am able to work at my own pace with a supportive co-founder by my side. Managing my mental health is a bigger challenge for me than swimming the channel so I said yes to doing it. I know I am physically capable of doing it. I know that what lies beneath cannot hurt me. Swimming at night in the darkness doesn’t daunt me as the darkest place on earth is normally inside my mind. My biggest fear is actually that my happy place, the place I go to for rest and respite, may become a place of anxiety and training obligation. But I’ll cross that bridge when, and if, I get to it. We can always find fear if we look hard enough for it, but it’s is there to be overcome, not stop your journey.
Being brave can look and be very different for everyone. As humans we are unique so our experiences, fears and therefore courageous steps will also be exclusive to us. There isn’t one size fits all, you just take the step that is appropriate for you. I can strip down to my cossie on a crowded beach without a second thought. I have faith in my swim ability so I am not afraid of the water. But making small talk with a stranger literally brings me out in a cold sweat. Yet I have found courage in the company of my fellow swimmers. Swimming in the sea year round taught me to be brave at a time when I needed it most. There is no braver person that the skin swimmer about to enter the vast sea on a cold foreboding winter’s morning armed with just a flask of tea. I have been able to take this bravery into my everyday and explore the possibility of my purpose.
The first step on my journey since leaving my corporate job, was opening myself up to possibility. And I have never stopped doing that. Where it led me was sometimes in the wrong direction and not quite right for me but it showed me EVERY time that stepping outside my comfort zone could be scary but what was the worst that could happen that hadn’t already happened? Being brave is not innate. Start small and keep going, practise really does make perfect – well maybe not perfect, but manageable. And if you are really not feeling brave, just pretend you are. This, in itself, is being brave and gradually the pretence will become your reality.
Pass the Salt 