My name is Ludo and I identify as a mixed race trans man. I was born and raised in the South Wales Valleys and now live in Hove East Sussex.
As a young child I was quite adventurous. I didn’t have a sense of fear. I spent much of my time riding my bike, roller skating and climbing trees. Swimming began at a young age at the local leisure centre, with my mother and siblings. The busyness of the pool bothered me, but I would splashed around with my arm bands making sure I stayed close to my mother.
School sports on the other hand, I didn’t enjoy. Especially team sports like netball. They were boring, too many rules and I had to rely on what other people were doing. People were picking teams and I felt that I wasn’t very good at sports and I would shy away. I did however like gymnastics. It was so natural to me. Vaulting, standing on my hands and climbing over things. It was a great pleasure and I was good at it. I was free.
At 11 I started comprehensive school. Sport became regimented in a way that didn’t make sense. Things were gendered and I had no control over what I could wear. In gym I had to wear a little skirt and white top. Gymnastics changed into dance and became more group orientated. It felt very confining. Swimming became very formal with weekly school swimming lessons. The tutor was quite stern and everyone was afraid of him. It became a fearful thing. It was noisy, chaotic and I was body conscious. I made excuses not to attend and I had a note to be excused. I lost my interest and the desire to do sporty things were quashed. It would be decades before I rediscovered physical activity.
From that point I retreated more and did a lot of drawing, created stories and music came to the forefront. I was growing up, but during this time I didn’t have access to LGBT information. Being trans wasn’t spoken about and I first heard about trans men existing in my late 20s. I came out as trans myself in my mid 30s and had top surgery in my late 30s. About 12 months after the procedure I had a yearning to try out different things. I had the feeling for a while that I wanted to try swimming. So I began checking out my options.
The pools in my area are larger and deeper than the local pool I had grown up using as a child. I didn’t think that I could do it. In fact once again it was my mother who encouraged me, when she came to visit me. I chose one of the local authority swimming pools and we went and visited it together. On arrival I was intimidated and didn’t know what to expect. It was all new to me. I was relieved to discover that they had gender neutral changing room with cubicles.
When changing I reflected on the fact that for many years I had had an eating disorder, something which is sadly very common in trans people. As a result my body was very emaciated. Something I used to disguise by wear baggy clothes. I was worried that people might judge me or ask me to leave. I walked onto poolside with my trunks, googles and I was very underweight. No one said anything to me.
When I first went back to swimming, it had been 25 years and I felt that I had forgotten how to swim. I find it difficult to be taught things. So, I watched some YouTube videos and taught myself how to not only to swim again, but to dive. The water felt cold, but I soon acclimatised. Being diagnosed with autism later in life, my sensory issues were a test of my passion, but I found ways to manage. First with ear plugs then later an underwater MP3 player. I got used to the layout, the people and the staff. I was around people and felt a sense of community, without having to know anything about the people.
What ignited my passion for swimming was putting the googles on and going under water. It was just so calm and lovely. I realised that I could still tumble while submerged and I felt connected again to gymnastics. It was a childlike pleasure. I woke up to that. It felt amazing. It was this feeling that kept me going back.
When it comes to swimming I think many people will feel that they will be a minority and made to feel unwelcome. Whether its in reference to their race or gender identity. For me it became part of my daily routine and an obsession. Once in the water I am often rather oblivious to what everyone else is thinking. I feel comfortable in my body and the process is all very natural to me. Someone would have to be very overt for me to pay them any attention. I don’t take this for granted, as I know it’s not the same for everyone.
Obviously with lock down the public pool was closed. During this time I took part in Trans Can Sport online sessions. The various instructors give a holistic approach to the sessions. It’s now become a routine and it makes me feel a part of things. I feel a sense of familiarity and it’s been psychologically useful. I was initially interested in Trans Can Core, but I’m also taking part in Trans Can Fight and HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). I’m particularly enjoying HIIT. Like all TCS sessions the exercises are being tailored to suit individual needs and there is a real emphasis on going at your own pace. Even though it’s a group setting I don’t feel overwhelmed as I would do in a face to face sessions.
I am happy for Seabirds to share my Trans Can Sport blog post on the Seabirds blog. It would be great if it could help spread the word about Trans Can Sport and also encourage other Trans and non binary swimmers, also disabled swimmers. I’m passionate about swimming and did lots sea swimming last Autumn and Winter (the Salty fb page has been great for tips!) usually alone as I find groups a bit overwhelming, but hopefully I can start connecting with the sea swimming community more. At the moment I’m in the pool quite a bit working on technique, but I still love the sea.
About Trans Can Sport:
‘Trans Can Sport is a not-for-profit project based in Brighton and Hove. It was created to get trans people into exercise and healthy living, and aims to help anyone who feels their transgender identity makes participating in sport difficult, including people who are questioning or exploring their gender. We also welcome their friends, families and allies.
Trans people want to engage in activities, both sporting and social, like everyone else. Trans Can Sport was formed to provide a safe space to allow these things to happen in a supportive, friendly and non-competitive environment.
We want to resolve and avoid some of the barriers that stop trans people accessing sport, like gendered sports and changing facilities. Sometimes, the tricky navigation of a gendered changing facility is enough to stop trans people from accessing a particular sport or activity. Trans people often avoid gendered sports altogether, because they may not be accommodating or welcoming of diversity.
We work with local fitness professionals and organisations to provide free or low-cost sports sessions, and make sure our trainers have a thorough understanding of how gender may affect their discipline. Further than ensuring the correct use of names and pronoun preferences, we also consider how gender can creep in elsewhere. Our trainers will always communicate about bodies and movement in a non-gendered way.
Trans Can Sport creates a safe space for trans people to use freely, and provides a supportive environment that allows people to connect with their bodies in a positive way. In the words of one of our participants: “I no longer feel alone and don’t have to worry about being self-conscious in front of people who don’t understand why I might look different. I’m looking forward to taking part in as many of the future activities as I can”.
To find out more you can visit Trans Can Sport on Facebook or to support their work you can donate here
November 13th -19th is Trans Awareness Week – a week to help raise the visibility of transgender and gender non-conforming people, and address the issues the community faces. Seabirds stands in solidarity with all our swimmers (and potential swimmers) in the LGBTQI+ community and welcomes suggestions as to how we can make our swimming community more inclusive to all and break down barriers to swimming for all, together. #sharetheswimlove #swimforall
Pass the Salt 