As a woman of a certain age I feel a deep sense of responsibility to ensure my daughter does not feel the way I have sometimes felt over the last few years. Invisible. Irrelevant. And all because I am middle aged and because our self-worth and identity is directly linked to how others see us. That’s assuming they even see us at all!
The hardest part about getting older is navigating a world that does not value your experience of the aging process. It is framed by society, the media, dare I say it men, and even more frustratingly by women, as a negative experience. But there is a beauty, wisdom and confidence that comes with age that is wonderfully freeing and positive if we can just be brave enough to escape the traditional narrative of getting old. This is the legacy I wish to leave my daughter.
In my late 30’s I left my corporate career because I had a breakdown. I told the world it was because I wanted to retire before I was 40 because life is an adventure and I wanted to be young enough to have those adventures. Why didn’t I tell the truth? Why did I assume I needed to be relatively young to have those longed for adventures? As I hurtle towards 50, I am more able to appreciate those adventures as I have a new found confidence and that comes with an extra decade under my belt. And I am more than happy to share my mental health experiences – albeit from this side of the keyboard. This is only possible because of the passing of years.
There are so many things I have achieved and still want to achieve. I started my own business at 46. And I know many women have done the same. Possibly because the menopause can be tricky to traverse in the work place due to the length and rigidity of the modern working day. This just doesn’t work for the sandwich generation juggling the care of elderly parents and young children alongside a huge shift in hormones. Hormones that left untreated will rob you of sleep and potentially self worth and replace it with fatigue, anxiety and brain fog. The menopause is still under researched even though it affects 50% of the population so many women either do not know what it is or how to manage it . So either because they can no longer work with unmanaged symptoms or because they’ve gained a confidence that comes with age, or both, they are leaving he work place in droves. This mass exodus needs to be viewed as an opportunity, a positive change, a new adventure rather than being put out to pasture.
For me, it is the sea that keeps me young, bold, brave, strong, relevant and visible. It is the sea that buoys up my self esteem and self worth. It is the sea that washes away my anxiety and clears the brain fog. It is the sea that helps me sleep and restores my energy. So it was to the sea I turned to define me, post career, post a significant mental health episode, post 40.
When my daughter was 8 or 9 she joined a newly formed Surf Life Saving Club. As with any community sports club, it required volunteers to keep it running. Little did I know that this would be the start of my adventure into year round swimming. It came at the perfect time, I’d just left work and was recovering from a significant mental health episode. So I gained trainer and lifesaving qualifications and began to run training sessions for the kids. More recently we set up another new club to meet local membership demands and some of the volunteer coaches are the kids I once trained now in their late teens and twenties. Competent adults, fierce swimmers and capable coaches that see me as just one of them. They see me getting in the water, with them, week after week, battling the same challenging conditions, demonstrating the same skills. This defines my identity in their group. Every year I consider handing over the reigns to the next generation, but every year i come back for more, because I like the me I see through their eyes. One the volunteer lifeguards is 61. He’s set the bar high and I aim to rise to the challenge.
Before we set up Seabirds I launched the local Wave Project initiative. Another big step out of my comfort zone of the corporate world. The project required a lot of solo travel and training to the west country and working alongside young, capable, cool surfers as my fellow coordinators around the UK. By now I was in my mid 40s. My lifesaving experience was drawn upon when considering how to run therapeutic sessions safely, my background in corporate project management and report writing proved to be useful and relevant. I was working alongside the younger generation, not competing but lifting each other up. By not segregating the generations we engaged in equal dialogue and interactions. Once again I could see myself through their eyes and I liked what I saw.
So then to Seabirds. By now I was clearly not going to age quietly. I was doing this growing old thing my way. And I was fortunate enough to know and set up a business with a woman who shared my approach to the aging process. We’d gained so much strength and confidence and a new relationship with our bodies from skin swimming in the sea year round we wanted to share this experience with others. We wanted adventure, fun, new challenges to be beyond budget and background. Any new experience is an adventure. Every sea swim is a different experience. Connection and community can eliminate fear, allow you to be bold, break free from self or societal imposed limits. Be you! Swimming in the sea demonstrates strength to step outside your comfort zone. Provides an opportunity to explore new places and travel to new swim spots. Its a place to have fun and rediscover childlike joy. Exposing yourself to cold water is a way of regularly facing your fears. And anyone can do it, they really can, with a group of supportive swimmers to encourage them. We are re-writing our history (in our case her story).
The legacy I am leaving my daughter is that growing old is not a bad thing. The fun loving, thrill seeking, woman of my youth is still there. She just had a curfew imposed on her for a while by dwindling confidence. I have more confidence now than I ever did. I accept myself and although my identity can still be defined to how others see me, I have taken control of what they see. They see a woman who has agreed to swim the channel when she is 50. I have been able to be brave enough to agree to this rather daunting challenge because of the incredible water warriors I surround myself with. Christine is about to to celebrate a significant birthday with a 6 in it and still has many swim challenges set in her sights. She has swum the channel and coached others to achieve it many times. Her calm and confident approach has quietened my anxiety. I am in safe hands with her. And Emma, with a 5 in her number of years, is set to complete her channel swim this year. Her self depreciating tag line ‘If I can do it anyone can’ and infectious encouragement makes you feel like you can do anything you set your mind to. These are the women who inspire me, not the enhanced images of perfection we are subjected to on our screens. It is no coincidence that these women are our chosen swim coaches as they set the most wonderful example to the world.
I feel a huge responsibility to ensure that my daughter, and all of our daughters, and our sons, never become daunted by the aging process. We can remain visible and relevant, brave and bold, throughout our lifetime. I want to set them an example I can be proud of. That they can be proud of. I found my way back to myself. I hope the next generation never loses sight of themselves as they age, that they never have to find themselves. But rather they dictate their own self worth throughout their lifetime as I have finally dictated mine.
This weekend my swimming group and hopefully swimming communities around the UK have been encourage to add some fun to their swims. After what feels like the longest month in history fun is most definitely needed. We feel we all need a bit of glamour in these grey days – so when you are dipping this weekend , glam up and out your glad rags on. Take some photos and share with the rest of us to make us smile 
#furcoatnoknickers is the hashtag. For me , not only is this another opportunity to embarrass my kids, but also another opportunity to be visible. I won’t be left out of the conversation just because I am of a certain age. I’m going to be the conversation. I hope you can be too!
Pass the Salt 